


IKEA Is The Gate to Hell

by rokosourobouros



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: (i wrote this in like 10 minutes literally just for fun), (kind of. this is pretty crackish), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Curtain Fic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, IKEA, M/M, Other, Trans Character, Trope Bingo Round 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:01:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22740646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokosourobouros/pseuds/rokosourobouros
Relationships: Edward Elric/Envy
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	IKEA Is The Gate to Hell

Envy had lived through impossible trials. He had survived plagues, immune to their devastating effects; he had darted, laughing, through warzones; he had walked in on Dante and her lover mid-screw and survived to tell the tale. But finally, he had found the one form of torture that worked on him.

“ _Please_ tell me we’re done soon,” he moaned, draping himself over the trolley.

“I need a bookshelf! And it has to be the right kind, too.”

Envy stared balefully up at the rows and rows of drapery, the furniture as far as the eye could see, and the other trolleys filled with bored children. “It’s a shelf. That holds books. How specific does it need to _be._ ”

“Ooh, this one has glass doors!” Ed started excitedly opening and closing the front, then stuck his head inside the shelf. Envy heard him rapping his fist against the wood back, and wondered if he’d be able to stuff Ed in there whole without taking any shelves out. Maybe he’d just _leave_ him here. Stupid fucking alchemists and their stupid fucking book collections and Ed with his stupid fucking ‘we can’t just leave my super valuable books in milk crates Envy jesus christ’.

“Mommy, that man is wearing a skirt!”

Also, that. Envy bared his teeth at the kid in question, whose mother hurriedly pulled her away. He’d seen a child depository at the front- Smaland, whatever the _fuck_ that meant – so why the parent hadn’t put her there he didn’t know.

“Ed, can you please just _pick a fucking shelf-_ “

“I really like this one, but I’m kind of into how tall the other one is…”

Great. Great, he was stuck in a version of hell called Ikea and his boyfriend had gotten a case of selective hearing.

There was a tug on his skirt, and he looked down. The childspawn had gotten away from her mother somehow.

“What,” he sighed, reflecting miserably on his promise not to kill people anymore.

“I like your skirt.”

“Right.”

“Mommy says boys aren’t supposed to wear skirts.”

Envy rolled his eyes. “Who said I’m a boy?”

The girl opened her mouth, then her eyes went wide. “Whooooa. Cool! Are you a girl then?”

“I’m a homunculus.”

“What’s a honunkler?”

“I’m not a boy or a girl. I’m just _me._ ” He was starting to get really irritated – then he glanced down at her again, and how deep in thought she was.

“Can I be a honunkler too?”

“Why?”

She pulled a face. “Being a girl is _gross._ ”

Envy blinked in surprised – then laughed, finally processing. “You can be whatever the fuck you want. You can even be a boy if you like.”

“ _Really?_ ”

“Really really. Just get your grubby little paws off my fucking clothes.”

“Okay!”

The kid fled off back to their mother, and Envy snorted, thinking about the inevitable chaos later when they told their mother they’d decided to be a ‘honunkler’. Wreaking chaos was too much fun to stop.

Then he realized that Ed had his arms folded on top of one of the bookshelf doors, staring at him with an amused look. “What?”

“Did you just tell that kid they could be trans?”

“What? No, I di-“ Envy paused. “…Well, uh….”

“That’s so _sweet._ ”

“I’m gonna kill you.”

“Really, Envy. That’s unbelievably heartwarming coming from y-“

Envy tried to stifle the blush rising to his face. “Keep going, Chibi. Let’s see how far across this place I can punt you.”

“I’m getting this shelf, by the way.”

“Thank _fucking god._ ”


End file.
